If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

Movie Name: If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
Year of Release: 2025
Director: Mary Bronstein
Starring: Rose Byrne, Conan O'Brien, Danielle Macdonald, Delaney Quinn, Asap Rocky, Mary Bronstein, Christian Slater, Ivy Wolk, Manu Narayan, Daniel Zolghadri, Mark Stolzenberg
Score out of ten (whole numbers only): 5
Watch it on HBO Max

Synopsis and Review

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" had its premiere at the Sundance Film Festival of 2025, and has been collecting accolades for Rose Byrne's leading performance since then. It's the feature directorial debut for actor/writer/director Mary Bronstein. The film focuses its narrative on Linda, a psychotherapist whom we first encounter dealing with serious health issues related to her young daughter's ability to eat (her daughter is fed through a gastric feeding tube each night). Linda's stress levels increase when one evening while attempting to have dinner with her daughter, the roof of her apartment caves in and the space is flooded. Her husband whom she talks to every day on the phone is working remotely and isn't able to come in to help them. Linda and her daughter are forced to move into a motel while the renovations on the apartment take place, which also become delayed when the chief contractor has to leave the assignment due to personal problems. Linda's clients at the clinic where she works are also getting increasingly troublesome, with one in particular whose name is Caroline and is suffering from paranoia and postpartum anxiety, calling her at late hours. Linda's stress levels are also heightened by the constant pressure from her daughter's doctor who almost berates her incessantly due to the fact that she doesn't show up for family therapy sessions. Linda's unparalleled pressure, her lack of rest, start a downward spiraling of her life, firstly with Caroline, her client, who abandons her newborn baby in one of their sessions, followed by Linda's decision to abandon one of the group meetings at the hospital where her daughter is getting treated.

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" is a quirky film. At least for me. I spent most of my time trying to understand if this film was a conceptual piece on the disintegration of someone's mental health/sanity, or if this was a contemporary take on John Cassavetes' "A Woman Under the Influence". At the end of watching this film I was puzzled by what exactly is it trying to say or illustrate. Most art pieces create different reactions from the audience who consumes it, and after consuming this feature the most striking aspect about it was how little I knew about Linda after spending two hours witnessing the deluge of challenges she was presented with. This wasn't exactly "stress porn", where the lead character is placed through the ringer, until she finally snaps, though it walks a fine line in the neighborhood of that topic, but ultimately what surprised me the most about this film, is how little was understood from the characters that populated it. Granted this is a character study on Linda, her tribulations, and her spiraling, but all the characters who populate her orbit, are puzzle pieces that don't particularly fit, and of whom we know very little of as well. After spending 2 hours with these characters, and going on this journey with Linda, witnessing much of these events from her perspective, I asked myself once more "what is the point that this writer/director is trying to make". And maybe I'm not sophisticated enough to perceive what is happening here, but ultimately I realize all we do in life is tell stories, sometimes more linearly than others, and sometimes more deconstructed and metaphorical than others. However, most of what I got from this feature film was more questions than insights, more bewilderment than realizations, and maybe that's what the auteur/director was trying to create, but overall and as a feature film, it's not a particularly satisfying one. The cast is game for what happens in this film, particularly Rose Byrne, a performer whom I tremendously admire (she's so versatile and solid in everything she does). The production team is equally solid, with highlights going to Christopher Messina's cinematography and Carmen Davis' production design. It's an interesting film, but one that I don't think hits the target that it thinks it does. 

Caught Stealing

Movie Name: Caught Stealing
Year of Release: 2025
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Starring: Austin Butler, Regina King, Zoe Kravitz, Matt Smith, Liev Schreiber, Vincent D'Onofrio, Carol Kane, Griffin Dunne, Laura Dern, Action Bronson, Nikita Kukushkin, Yuri Kolokolnikov, Bad Bunny, Janelle McDermoth, Tenoch Huerta
Score out of ten (whole numbers only): 7
Watch it on Amazon Prime

Synopsis and Review

Following the well received "The Whale", director Darren Aronofsky is back with an adaptation of the book "Caught Stealing" by the author of the novel itself, Charlie Huston. The narrative follows the story of Hank Thompson, a twenty-something bartender in New York in the late 1990s, who is charismatic and friendly, but who also carries with him the burden of an unfulfilled dream of being a big baseball player. His dream was shattered as a result of a brutal car accident which also resulted in the death of one of his high school friends. Hank gets along with his boss Paul, and has a solid relationship with Yvonne, who is hoping he finds a way to overcome his trauma and make something out of his life (or at least embrace something that will make him have more ownership of his destiny). Hank's friend Russ shows up at his place, asking him to take care of his cat while he goes to London to check on his dad who is not doing so well. Shortly after Hank receives the visit of two Russian mobsters who are looking for Russ. They beat him up pretty severely and Hank ends up in the hospital, minus one kidney as a result of the beating. Yvonne tends to him. He is also visited by narcotics detective Elise Roman who reveals that Russ is a drug dealer who is connected with various criminal gangs, including the brutal Hasidic Drucker brothers. Hank uncovers a hidden key Russ left behind, which he realizes is tied with what all the gangsters are looking for. While being interrogated by the returning Russians and their Puerto Rican associate, he admits to it, though after a night of drinking he doesn't know what happened to the key. Hank is eventually also pursued by the Druckers, and fearing for what might happen to Yvonne he goes back to her apartment to let her know. However he's too late, as she's been brutally murdered, which sends him down a spiral of grief and retribution. 

"Caught Stealing" is possibly one of the most straightforward features Darren Aronofsky has created thus far in his career. It perfectly captures the energy of New York of the late 1990s, and does so with the right amount of grit, humor, and energy. Of all of his features thus far it is also quite possibly his most lighthearted and funny, bringing to mind the ironic noir/thrillers of the early 2000s such as Paul McGuigan's "Lucky Number Slevin" or Jonathan Lynn's "The Whole Nine Yards". Most of these characters are very slight in their characterization and description, existing mostly on the courtesy of the charisma of the performers, but they all feel quite colorful and always engaging. Where Darren Aronofsky's gifted hand comes across is particularly on the pained existence of Hank, his everlasting bruise of missing his big opportunity, of the disappointment for himself and his mother, and the cross he bears on the death of his high school friend. There's something hinting at a different vibe and direction there, but that doesn't really crystalize, with the narrative instead being mostly focused on this fish out of water type of scenario, where Hank just wants to get out of all the trouble his friend brought up. The film has some tonal issues that could have been handled a bit better (the dark comedy could have been emphasized a bit more), but overall it ends up being a quite entertaining feature. The cast is solid and quite talented, particularly Matt Smith who creates a great punk has-been, while Austin Butler manages to make Hank a sweet and lovable self-saboteur type of hero. The production team is top notch, particularly the impeccable cinematography from Matthew Libatique, score from Rob Simonsen, and production design from Mark Friedberg. Worth watching.